Tuesday 11 September 2007

This post is part of the Group Writing Project at Seduction Central http://jeffreykishner.com/astrology/love/


(Tongue Firmly in Cheek!)

Some lighthearted, some bitter experience. You guess which is which :)

I can't claim to have dated men from all astrological signs but I have been close enough to most through friendship and work to be able to hazard a guess as to what a relationship with them might be like.

Aries (Mr Me First, Me First!)

The first sign of the zodiac. The archetypal boy-child. Selfish, yes, but in a childlike way. Why take one sweetie when you can dip your sticky little mitts in the whole jar.... Highly flammable. Not great husband material unless you hardly ever want to see him, he will spend all weekend involved in one risky, pointless and dangerous activity after another and expect YOU to wash and iron his parachute.

Taurus (Mr Fur Coat no Knickers)

Lover of luxury, likes to live well, even if he has to plunder the food money, rent money, your purse to do it. Sign most likely to be a con-man or thief to live the lifestyle they are convinced they are entitled to. Bed good, if you like being ordered about that is and you have a LOT of stamina. If you want to attract Mr Taurus then dress rich and hang around where the rich people go. Appearances matter very much to Mr Taurus, never look crumpled, untidy or dishevelled. His ideal date would be a cross between Grace Kelly and Audrey Hepburn and be rich, rich, rich.

Gemini (Mr. Oh, that was last week. I HATE it now...let me tell you about the time......)

The communicator of the zodiac, talks the hind legs off a donkey. Often calls himself a writer. Like Gump's chocolate box, you never know what you are going to get. Split personality doesn't even cover it. Mercurial they say and we all know that playing with mercury sends you crazy in the end.

Cancer (Mr. Do you still LOVE me?)

Despite a reputation for being cautious, Mr Cancer dwells in the realm of emotions, these are easily aroused. Moody, sulky. Can be a real pain unless loved 100%, 100% of the time Whinger. Cries at touching advertisements for missing kittens but can have a cruel streak. His mum loves her little soldier though, bless.

Leo (Mr Look at ME)

Has to be the centre of attention. Tiring to date, constant admiration is required, ego stroking after sex a complete must. Sunglasses usually required to shield your eyes from their sense of 'style', which, like them, is often very LOUD.

Virgo (Mr. How do I love thee? Let me count the ways, but we should shower first)

Shower before bed, shower during bed, shower after bed. Rips off his clothes (neatly and carefully), then folds them up. Thanks you politely afterwards then gets up to shower and play with his spreadsheets.

Libra (Mr Mirror Mirror on the Wall)

He loves himself so much there isn't much room for anyone else in his mirror. If you do date one then be prepared, he will spend more time plucking his eyebrows and buffing his nails than making love. When he does make love there will be a strategically placed mirror so he can see how wonderful he looks from all angles. Most likely to be spotted posing at the gym, doesn't actually DO anything at the gym, might get sweaty and ruin his hair or get his gym kit rumpled.....

Scorpio (Mr Strong, Silent Type)

Magnetic personality. Distinctive eyes. Will spend whole evenings trying to weasel information out of you but will not spill one iota in return. Make great detectives. Fearful temper. Never forgets a hurt and you will pay for it. Oh yes, you will pay – it might not be today, it might not be next week but he will get you and get you good. Supposed to be the sexiest sign but is it worth the effort? Oh, sorry, I forgot, only HE is allowed to ask the questions.....

Mr Sagittarius (Mr They call me the Wanderer)

A good friend, fun, carefree, always up for a laugh. Unfortunately the sign most likely to be a commitment-phobe. Tell him you love him, tell him that you are thinking how nice it would be to settle down and then eat his dust.......

Mr Capricorn (Mr. To be Honest)

Doesn't do subtle. Doesn't do tactful. Does do open, honest and straightforward. Do you REALLY want that complete honesty ALL the time?..(Does my bum look big in this?)

Mr Aquarius (Mr Strange)

He looks at you but his mind is ten zillion light years away, inventing, dreaming, soaring on flights of fancy. He may invent you some useful household gadgets. He may blow up your kitchen trying to make a rocket. Forgets to think about sex, if you remind him he will drift off halfway through the conversation and be inventing a gadget for it.....

Mr Pisces (Mr. So what if its the first date, I LOVE you)

Tender, dreamy, otherworldly. Likes to keep his options open, which is strange as he often declares love on the first date. Can get terribly disappointed in you if you don't live up to his image. Likes to serve his partner. Sign most likely to want to escape the harshness of real life through drink or drugs. Indecisive so may not be able to decide whether he wants drink or drugs, so will probably do both. Often. Indedcisive, impossible to pin down and will be late for his own funeral.


Marianne said...

Oh how funny and also how crazy as I can see quite a few of them have got it down....
Bobby is Leo...I buy his clothes in that he won't (and shouldn't, heh)...jeans and t-shirts and a couple of linen shirts.
But...since I'm Capricorn...

Marly K said...

Very funny, Jackie! I got here through Jeff's site.

Jackie said...

Hi eme!

Good to see you here x

scotland said...

God of Moses! I feel terrible after this dishing. My only solace is the view that even if we have one prominant tendency it can be developed into a strength. I've found that what are often described as fixed planetary influences are in fact very flexible, can be invoked by practice attunment and focus. Are in fact a natural part of rhythms in the sphere of vibration that have a correspondence character states in humans. Awareness of this is a yogic/magic practice of the first degree , a mastery of breathing, controling activity of the body and mind. It is also a game of finding what is most useful in truly fashioning ourselves.

Jackie said...

Aw Bless yer cotton's Scotland.

I think we are talking unevolved Cancarians here, worst case scenario if you like.

I think you have to ask yourself how I know so much about Cancerians, even though I have never dated one ;-)

Good to see you back here, hope all is well with you and your son.

Love, jackie xxx

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